


Watch Him Glow

by phansparent (lestershoweller)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Breakup, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-30 13:36:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5165780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lestershoweller/pseuds/phansparent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil wishes Dan hugged him the way he used to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Watch Him Glow

**Author's Note:**

> super short angsty fic inspired by this picture http://40.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m91wrvLlPC1rtulimo1_500.jpg
> 
> despite the title, this is not mpreg

Phil watches Dan sometimes at their meetups with their viewers. He watches as he wraps his arms around them with his hands balled tightly into fists. Dan’s eyes sparkle, and his dimple is deep, as his lips form a smile that must hurt his face it’s so big. There are three crinkles that form at the corners of his eyes, and his freckles peek out against his slightly tanned skin. He glows like a person who never thought anyone would love or care about him and is starting to realize he’s wrong.

It’s the way Dan used to hug Phil.

But his hugs with Phil were even more. The heat radiated from Dan’s body and filled the air with an aura of warmth and love. Their hugs were enough to convince anyone that everything would be alright in the world. The way Dan’s skin felt against Phil, so soft and warm, like a special blanket that only Phil was allowed to use, used to send tingles down Phil’s spine. With Phil’s head in the crook of Dan’s neck, Dan would lean his head down and push Phil’s fringe out of the way to kiss him on his forehead. Sometimes Dan would hold Phil so tightly he thought he might stop breathing, but all he could think was how lovely it would be to die in Dan’s arms. Dan would always make an almost silent hum, but it always signaled to Phil that wrapped up in Phil was Dan’s place of ultimate peace.

But then touches became something to fear. A slight nudge in public caused Dan to recoil away from Phil because someone might see. Dan’s skin would turn white and cold as ice, whereas he always glowed like the setting sun. Eventually Dan would slink away from Phil on the sofa in the lounge too. When you want your touches to be private, it’s hard to keep doing them in private because you might slip up in public. You have to reduce the habit, so you have to keep touching to a minimum. You have to sleep in separate beds some nights so when you mention “your bedroom” it’s not really a lie. You have to do things a little more separately so you can pretend you’re not joined at the hip.

Phil doesn’t know when it was that Dan actually started to mean the word “friend” when he spoke about Phil. He remembered when he realized Dan meant it though. They were watching back a video they’d been editing, and there was so much space between them, a symbol of those three words that had gone unsaid recently. Phil kept looking at Dan, but Dan wasn’t looking at Phil. There had been a time where they’d have to refilm a video 20 times for it took look right when Dan introduced Phil as his “friend,” but in this video, the words had flowed so easily off his tongue. He didn’t look up to the corner of the screen when he said it, his tell for a lie. His tongue didn’t get stuck, words caught in his throat.

Phil excused himself to empty the contents of his stomach into the toilet. His hands were shaking, and he felt so cold, nothing like he used to feel next to Dan, who used to exude warmth no matter the season or Phil’s mood. When Phil returned to the room, he just asked, hiding the despair that was tearing through him, and asked blankly, “Are we broken up?”  
  
Dan didn’t take his hand off the mouse. He didn’t look away from the screen. “I think so,” he said, like it made absolutely no difference, like their entire world wasn’t crashing down around them.

Phil always looks away the moment Dan starts to glance toward him. He doesn’t want him to know how jealous he is that Dan pours his affection into their viewers and not into him anymore. He wonders how Dan doesn’t have the aching hole in his chest that he does. He wonders how Dan can be so happy with someone in his arms other than him. Phil finds it hard to fake his smile as he embraces each viewer and tells them how nice it is to meet them. He doesn’t want to blame them, but he does. He wants to ask Dan how keeping their relationship secret became more important than loving each other. He wants to ask Dan to hug him like he used to when there was no fear, when it was just them, and they could do and be whatever they wanted. But he doesn’t because he doesn’t want Dan to stop glowing, even if it’s without him. 


End file.
